ACCUSATIONS at the general Poetic Masses hereabouts, TorF?

You do not Duel because...

you despise Mahayr.	4.2%	[ 1 ]
you despise someone else in here.	12.5%	[ 3 ]
you are, as accused, CHICKEN!	8.3%	[ 2 ]
it is beneath you, you are just that good. BUT too chicken to prove it.	0.0%	[ 0 ]
you have too much on your plate for lowly duels, and are CHICKEN!	4.2%	[ 1 ]
there is not enough to be gained, you are greedy.	25.0%	[ 6 ]
Other... post your own answer.	45.8%	[ 11 ]
Total Votes:			[ 24 ]

[Zero is an Integer]

knight_of_chivalry

rofl

stressed

[Zero is an Integer]

For my duel with Armadillo.



Acid Reign

I can hear the tap-tap-tapping on the roof above me.
The way that each one is separate from the other,
yet part of a collective whole. Singularity of purpose, you see.
It almost seems as if nature is trying to tell me something,
though I can sense there's no subtlety in her words.
She can be a harsh mistress, who's whims and ways
change without the consultation of us; mere mortals we be.
It's really hitting the fan out there.
I can hear them falling into the grass, showering the lawn
in a way that, I would imagine, must be quite shocking to behold.
The majesty tumbling, seemingly from the sky,
spattering the landscape for miles.
Soon they'll be in the house, dining on what used to be a man
and is now nothing more than a product in a hard to open box.
Here at the end, it sounds like rain.
It sounds like taking me back to a time of greens a blues,
where the smell of a summer day was warm with pie and
fresh with the innocence of a virgin.
Somewhere in the back of what's left of my mind,
I register the tinkling of glass and the shuffling of feet.
I slowly stand, turning my face up to their reign;
my reverence lost to the echoes of my screams for eternity.

[Dancing Armadillo Mage]

Let judgement come:

This is Not

This is not
an attempt to connect the coincidences of characters and situation.
This is coffee and rain,
coffee served in white cups, rain pounding on plate glass.
This is not
a metaphor for all malaise made specific by this instance.
This is jackets and chairs,
jackets dripping on the wood and hung on the back of chairs.
This is not
symbolism for some soul by which I am sympathetically linked to the world
This is one word and then another.
“Sorry” and “Goodbye”
Didn’t the strangers around me also have bitter coffee and damp shoulders?
Why should mine have more meaning?
Let the dregs after that lukewarm coffee have no consequence.
Let the pool of dirty water under chair have no significance.
Let my loss be only mine.
Let my tears belong to no one else.


Acid Reign

I can hear the tap-tap-tapping on the roof above me.
The way that each one is separate from the other,
yet part of a collective whole. Singularity of purpose, you see.
It almost seems as if nature is trying to tell me something,
though I can sense there's no subtlety in her words.
She can be a harsh mistress, who's whims and ways
change without the consultation of us; mere mortals we be.
It's really hitting the fan out there.
I can hear them falling into the grass, showering the lawn
in a way that, I would imagine, must be quite shocking to behold.
The majesty tumbling, seemingly from the sky,
spattering the landscape for miles.
Soon they'll be in the house, dining on what used to be a man
and is now nothing more than a product in a hard to open box.
Here at the end, it sounds like rain.
It sounds like taking me back to a time of greens a blues,
where the smell of a summer day was warm with pie and
fresh with the innocence of a virgin.
Somewhere in the back of what's left of my mind,
I register the tinkling of glass and the shuffling of feet.
I slowly stand, turning my face up to their reign;
my reverence lost to the echoes of my screams for eternity.

[Zero is an Integer]

The 2nd the in the second line should be a "that."

[Dancing Armadillo Mage]

That's a weird error to happen in copy/paste...sorry.

[Zero is an Integer]

Dancing Armadillo Mage

That's a weird error to happen in copy/paste...sorry.

Actually, it was a typo that I didn't catch until you had already reposted it.

[Adimurti]

Akashya Inoue...v...Kjralon......................................................................... Judgement

Challenger: Akashya inoue
Defender: Kjralon
Judge: Adimurti
Type of duel: Regular Call Out
Bet: 150 gold
Form: Free-Verse
Context: Fire and Sex

ǝnbıʇıɹɔ ǝɥʇ:

Akashya inoue

Enticing Ecstacy.

A worn, but artful stick of skeletal-frame: The comma here isn't needed and 'stick of' is redundant as the 'skeletal-frame' is similar and stronger.
colour - vivid as seal skin which follows I think you could give a better image than 'seal skin' for vivid. Pattern wise, at times, I can see what you mean, but from how it reads it seems you're saying that seal skin is vivid of colour, which I don't think they do. If you're going for a juxtaposition, it doesn't really work so I'd re-work it.
sepia ripples between my legs, entices I had to read this stanza a couple of times before I found a rhythm for it, which I think you could work on. The grammar isn't as fluent as it could be which I think is mainly down to the comma in the first line and the description tangent on the previous line and this one. Maybe play with the sentence structure to try and get it flowing better for the last two lines.

burning grips. Your lily-eyes lust with You can do better than 'lust'.
instincts akin to the passion that lingers I'm not fond of 'akin', and 'passion' to 'veins' isn't very strong in the way of originality.
inside your veins as you fill my body with

piercing cells, warm and fluid as the
drenching heat that you sweat on my body I think going for an image of them sweating on you would work better here - all-sorts of innuendoes to go for.
when I beg you to stop. Your sick mind enjoys

every thrust as my screams stroke and tickle
your ear drums with excitement. Your eyes
begin to glow blood-shot red! Your grip on my This eye image is a little melodramatic to me. You could get blood-shot through connotation if you were bent on using it (no pun intended).

tall and slender neck tightens almost as if
your mind was a deep, solitary river of ecstasy, If you're going for British spelling (like 'colour' earlier) this needs fixing. wink
and your only purpose in existence was to drown

my life into oblivion. And I heave in exhaustion. Again, this drowning in oblivion is too melodramatic to me. The 'and' isn't needed here either.
I never want to give into such punishment; but, Drop this comma and replace the semi-colon with a comma or dash.
the more I fight it, the harsher the burns will be

due to your lashing persistence; and all I have 'Due to' doesn't sound right to me. It's the tone of it - it's almost clinical, if you follow me?
to show for it are eyes of water that cool the I think being more literal with 'eyes of water' would work better. Something like 'liquid eyes' - I know, s**t example, but you know what I mean, yeah?
burning in the deep-down distance of ashing decay
that is my body: nostalgic from whence you came. 'Whence' is the same as 'due to', to me. It just doesn't seem to fit with the rest of the language. I think losing 'that is my body' and lending the ash image something that implies you're saying your body has turned to ash would work better.

ǝnbıʇıɹɔ ǝɥʇ:

Kjralon

I Wish Ash Wasn't All That Was Left.

I leave charred trails down your hips. Okay - you have my attention.

Soot crawls like velvety night up my chest, I think you can come up with something stronger than 'velvety night' - it isn't bad, it just isn't great. Mainly, I think it's 'velvety'; it could be more original.
delving into the white-heat of irises, This comma might be better suited as a colon.
flashing, ephemeral shapes caught

and crushed in your palms.
Your whispers slide, glistening I think a modifier with 'slide' here. The sentence, before the comma, feels incomplete
around my neck, my hair ever-changing
like our limbs, moving clockwork
in a Flashpan.

Fingertips light holes in your flesh,
poppop-pop-ing up the spine like one-two I got an image of vertebrae popping out of place with the tap of each fingertip, here. Great (painful) image. Maybe play with that a little more?

three,
lungs catching like kindling wrapped up in a brush mantle;
your lips, hidden behind smoke,
climb the mountain with untiring boots.

Touch sears my flesh. This fragment is distracting.
Heat pulsates like fading animal heartbeats,
rapid in the bright twilight,
easily heard by the crackling hunter.
My bones ache; they are comfortable rocks, I think you can drop 'they are' and the comma here.
solidly certain of your consummation.

ʇuǝɯǝƃpnɾ ǝɥʇ:
Akashya - This isn't the strongest of your poetry. There's something there, but I think it needs refining and some of the drama needs watering down. That said, there're a couple of parts I think you could really get something out of with a little elaboration/more description, as I mentioned. whee
Kjralon - your poem was a good read, and I really liked the first line as an opener. There were a couple of parts where I felt that a bit more description might have got the context and metaphor closer, but then on thinking about it those parts would have ended up a little too floral with more description so I took my comments back. xd Anywho...

I declare Kjralon the victor in this poetic battle, for originality in context and ideas. I'll send you your whopping three-hundred gold shortly.

[Zero is an Integer]

p***s.

[TheAmberShrew]

zero the last decepticon

p***s.

You're an eight year old.

[Dancing Armadillo Mage]

zero the last decepticon

p***s.

You make a good point. rolleyes

I agree completely...

[Zero is an Integer]

TheAmberShrew

zero the last decepticon

p***s.

You're an eight year old.

No. I'm not.
Would you have rather I said "LEIK OMG!!!! TOATALLY LEGAL ********!?!?"


Because people who aren't eight say that, and they are looked at as a regular progression in modern human advancement. You tell me. What's worse?

[TheAmberShrew]

zero the last decepticon

TheAmberShrew

zero the last decepticon

p***s.

You're an eight year old.

No. I'm not.
Would you have rather I said "LEIK OMG!!!! TOATALLY LEGAL ********!?!?"


Because people who aren't eight say that, and they are looked at as a regular progression in modern human advancement. You tell me. What's worse?

Don't you get smart with me, young man.

[Zero is an Integer]

TheAmberShrew

zero the last decepticon

TheAmberShrew

zero the last decepticon

p***s.

You're an eight year old.

No. I'm not.
Would you have rather I said "LEIK OMG!!!! TOATALLY LEGAL ********!?!?"


Because people who aren't eight say that, and they are looked at as a regular progression in modern human advancement. You tell me. What's worse?

Don't you get smart with me, young man.

I was just asking a question.

[Zeo]

The duel:
Challenger: zero the last decepticon
Defender: Dancing Armadillo Mage
Bet: 500g
Type of Duel: Regular Duel
Judge I prefer: Zeo
Style/Form I prefer: Freeverse
Subject I prefer: Rain

Critique:

Dancing Armadillo Mage

This is Not

This is not I really like this first line. The line break successfully pulls me into the next.
an attempt to connect the coincidences of characters and situation.
This is coffee and rain,
coffee served in white cups, rain pounding on plate glass.
This is not
a metaphor for all malaise made specific by this instance.
This is jackets and chairs,
jackets dripping on the wood and hung on the back of chairs. Perhaps you were meaning to extend the line before this, but the result is more redundant than it is affirming of the imagery. I'd suggest maybe finding a new way to word this line.
This is not
symbolism for some soul by which I am sympathetically linked to the world
This is one word and then another.
“Sorry” and “Goodbye”
Didn’t the strangers around me also have bitter coffee and damp shoulders?
Why should mine have more meaning?
Let the dregs after that lukewarm coffee have no consequence.
Let the pool of dirty water under chair have no significance.
Let my loss be only mine.
Let my tears belong to no one else. The general idea of the line sums up the mood and intent of the poem well, but I wonder if there'd be a stronger way to end it. This starts to sound a little trite, which the overall piece has been avoiding up to this point.

I like this. What I like the most about it is how it is so stylistically different from what I'd expect this topic to produce. It was like a breath of fresh air.

It feels a little prose-y (by which I mean it reads more like prose than poetry) at times, but I think this works well for the most part. You do have engaging imagery, and the piece has an overall poetic tone to its prose-like reflections. I'd say it would make a great prose poem, if not for the line breaks, but the line breaks are part of what make this a strong work.

Overall, I'd watch to make sure your punctuation is consistent (there were a few lines that were missing periods when they seemed like they may have wanted one) and to be sure that some of the imagery stands out rather than becomes repetitive.

zero the last decepticon

Acid Reign

I can hear the tap-tap-tapping on the roof above me.
The way that each one is separate from the other,
yet part of a collective whole. Singularity of purpose, you see.
It almost seems as if nature is trying to tell me something,
though I can sense there's no subtlety in her words.
She can be a harsh mistress, who's whims and ways Whose, I think.
change without the consultation of us; mere mortals we be.
It's really hitting the fan out there.
I can hear them falling into the grass, showering the lawn
in a way that, I would imagine, must be quite shocking to behold.
The majesty tumbling, seemingly from the sky,
spattering the landscape for miles.
Soon they'll be in the house, dining on what used to be a man
and is now nothing more than a product in a hard to open box.
Here at the end, it sounds like rain.
It sounds like taking me back to a time of greens a blues,
where the smell of a summer day was warm with pie and
fresh with the innocence of a virgin.
Somewhere in the back of what's left of my mind,
I register the tinkling of glass and the shuffling of feet. heart this line.
I slowly stand, turning my face up to their reign;
my reverence lost to the echoes of my screams for eternity. Feels a little vague and disappointing, here; the ending isn't quite as strong as I'd have hoped, considering the strength of the piece overall.

This poem also has a wonderfully prose feel to it, and again, it works really well, especially with the line breaks assisting the flow. There is so much emotion to be seen here, and I love how it all blends and comes together in a very coherent fashion.

Like I mentioned, the ending was a bit of a disappointment. The poem has such concrete imagery and the last line seemed to veer into obscurity a bit. I don't think the idea it is going for is the problem; it's just the execution I'd like to see be a bit more solid.

The judgment:

This is tough (they all are, though, aren't they?) I liked both of your pieces. Both of you handled the topic really well, and to be honest I wasn't sure what could be done with it that didn't border on hackneyed sentimentality. I really liked how Dancing Armadillo Mage's poem used rain to create the mood, rather than as a singular element. However, zero the last decepticon is the winner of this duel--his piece demonstrates a very strong understanding of the craft as well as an excellent use of the subject matter to create something as poignant as the topic.

Good job, you guys. biggrin